Here are some of the things said by Israel Hands and written down by various Bollockbrains:

  • Nature is a Mother!
  • What you want’s a girl with big froggy thighs - definitely get the wax out of your ears.
  • I mean, I’d much rather be a boring old fart than a tedious young turd.
  • She looks like she knows the difference between a knob and a handle.
  • Well tie me to a china-cabinet and call me Dolores!
  • All that burns your arse is not curry.
  • Phew! What could you do with a girl like that and a jar of lemon-curd?
  • You call that a bassline? Ungawa!
  • Brazilian wax-jobs - now are they a rip-off, or what?
  • Do I look like my name’s Froderick Twatter?
  • By hell, couldn’t you just rest your nuts on her chin?
  • Arghhh! Me clems!
  • Oh, I don’t know, it's better than a grappling-hook up your chuff.
  • Science? You mean the art of measuring how fast paint dries?
  • If you're going to blow your own horn, blow it long and blow it hard.
  • What’s this? The sound of one arse crapping?
  • Now that fucker swings like a twat.
  • Women are a bit like fluffy bath-mats - walk all over em a couple of times and they end up flat.
  • If wit was shit, mate, you’d be constipated.
  • You’ve mixed that like an itchy fanny: in your face all the time.
  • Well buy me a stripey jockstrap and call me Tiger Spuds.
  • If that’s in key, well you can cover me arse with Marmite, and get Mrs Peel to slap it off with a wet kipper, while Glenda Jackson swears at me.
  • Remember: you are what you eat, you big pussy.
  • Fundamentalism - isn’t that just another name for arsing about?
  • That’s life for you - every man his own jihad.
  • I bet she don’t half wobble when you slap her arse with a plank.
  • Sunshine - certainly brings out the cracks on the pavement.
  • If I wanted to listen to shite, I’d buy a cellulite phone and stick me ear to the ringpiece.
  • Get out of it you poor excuse for a stretch-mark.
  • Another brain-cell and you really would be a bollockbrain.
  • I don’t know about you, but I don’t wake up until I’ve had a mug of coffee and a good fart - one to clear me head, the other to get some caffeine in me veins.
  • Bad enough trying to flog a dead horse, never mind give it away.
  • Can’t laugh at it, ain’t worth taking seriously.